I shuffled into the kitchen, pushing the Kreuig button and my greasy hair behind my ear.
I was awake. I was functioning. I could make eggs. I could feed my kids breakfast before school…
…before I went to lay on the couch for the rest of the day.
It was a few days since “the phone call” and I was in the “wait and see” days of what they call “miscarriage management.”
Micah pushed play on our kitchen CD player and Psalty the Singing Songbook’s perky voice and camping exploits filled the air.
“In everything give thanks! In every situation! Sing of song of thanks…and praise him from your heart!!!”
“This is such a stupid song,” I thought. “There is nothing, NOTHING to be thankful for in this situation. Everything about this sucks. Miscarriage SUCKS!”**
I put plastic plates of eggs in front of my kids and sat down heavily at the table, wincing from pain in my womb and pain in my heart.
Then I glanced over at Silas and he smiled at me…
…and I felt a little nudge in my soul.
Precious little boy. You are such a comfort to me.
I pushed through the fog in my brain and tried to plan my day…dinner tonight? Oh! That’s right. Another dear friend was bringing us a meal.
I’m so glad I don’t have to cook tonight. Thank you, Lord, for friends and the meal.
Aaron came into the kitchen and kissed me on the forehead. “Ready to go, boys?”
Thank you for my husband. He has taken such good care of me and the kids.
“Bye, Mommy!” My twins said as four skinny arms encircled my waist. “See you after school!”
|Photo by Sabrena Carter Deal|
Thank you for my children. I have three beautiful children who love me. I am blessed. I am blessed.
The realization washed over me: 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (and Psalty!) says, “In everything give thanks….” not for everything.
I couldn’t be thankful for…but I can be, no, I need to be thankful in.
I need to be thankful….because thankfulness is ultimately trust in God.
In order to be thankful, I must look outside of myself–my pain, my grief–and see that God is still taking care of me. He has still blessed me with so many good things.
He holds my whole life in his hands, both the good and the bad. Thankfulness is recognizing this truth.
I can still give thanks in this situation, and really, in all things. This is the will of God for me.
**I actually googled “Miscarriage Sucks” and came up with some comforting blog posts that used lots of swear words that summed up my feelings quite nicely.
Miscarriage and Faith: Suffering and God’s Goodness
Miscarriage and Faith: Giving Thanks IN…not FOR
Miscarriage and Faith: Walking through the Valley
Miscarriage and Faith: Searching for Beauty
Pregnancy after Loss: Survivor’s Guilt
Remembering Izzy: Pledged to God
Symbols of Hope: Remembering Loved Ones at Christmas Time