Thoughts from gate D25: We’re going to England!

“What are we doing with our life?” I whispered to my husband last night in our darkened hotel room. “I mean, seriously, who are we?”
“I don’t even know. I guess we’re adventurous people,” He chuckled softly.
“Are we? I mean, I’m not.”

I don’t feel adventurous, at least not in the traditional sense. I like routine. I like feeling settled. I am rarely spontaneous. I really don’t like traveling (at least the process of going place to place, the packing, driving, etc.). I get overwhelmed easily. I have chronic anxiety that leads to insomnia at the slightest whiff of stress.

I am not adventurous.
But here I am, moving to England.
We are leaving the USA today, boarding a plane with a one-way ticket, and moving to a foreign country.
Strange little thoughts have crossed my mind today:
The next time I take a shower, it will be in England.
This is the last time I will eat breakfast in the USA for a long time.
This is the last time I will use this hairdryer. Man, that stinks. I really like this thing.

I am currently sitting at gate D-25, trying to process my emotions. It’s time I did: I’ve been pushing my feelings away for a long time.
Don’t think about that.
Can’t process that right now.
Don’t worry. It will all work out.

For many months we didn’t know which way God would lead us. When I think of the first six months of 2018, my memories are shaded in frustration and depression.

But now we have a plan. We have a way forward. We are about to take the first steps.
It’s scary, ya’ll.

“Are you excited? Are you so excited?” Everyone has been asking that question.
“Of course!” I lied. I mean, I am excited. But mostly, I’ve been exhausted and overwhelmed. I don’t thrive on adventure. (The other day I told my sister, “I’m like 99% tired and 1% excited.”).

But today? I’m trying to let myself feel all the emotions I’ve been postponing.
They are here, right now, swirling inside of me.
I’m excited, to the point of giddiness. I’m happy. I’m relieved. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I’m sad. Wave upon wave. I started tearing up when the shuttle driver loaded our suitcases into the van this morning.
Emotions are odd things. I’m feeling all of them today.
But mostly, I want to feel thankful for this gift.
God knew this day was coming, even though we didn’t for many, many months this past year.
He wants us in England, or He wouldn’t have overcome all the obstacles to help us get to this point. Oh, there’s some other waves: humbled and grateful.

I’m not an adventurous person by nature but there is a crazy, unexpected gift of a journey in front of me and our family. I’m about to step onto this new path.

Stay posted. Our adventure is just beginning.

Photo by Ross Parmly on Unsplash


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